Things I told myself during an attempted crossing of the Manhattan Bridge, on foot, approx. 12:30 p.m. today

(Context.)

“You put on lipstick before you left the house. The expensive red one. Nothing bad can happen to you when you are wearing expensive red lipstick.”
“You’re listening to Bruce Springsteen. Nothing bad can happen to you when you are listening to Bruce Springsteen.”
“Look at that blue sky. You’d never fall off a bridge on a day like this.”
“Walk behind this nice couple. Nothing bad can happen to you when you are walking behind this nice couple. Keep pace with them, just like- uh-oh, they’re glancing back. They think you’re following them. It’s all right. They’re a nice couple. They’ll get over it. And so will you! (Get over this bridge.) Act normal. Keep walking.”
“Pretend the bridge is a big sculpture. It’s just a big sculpture that people stand on and walk around. You’re not on a bridge at all, you’re in a very large sculpture garden.”
“Don’t look down.”
“No seriously, don’t look down.”
“LOOKING DIAGONALLY COUNTS AS LOOKING DOWN.”
“Okay, okay, stand still for a second. Collect yourself. Fiddle with some personal technology so people don’t think you’re weird.”
“Stop sweating.”
“Look, there’s the Q train. You ride the Q train. You’ve ridden the Q train over this bridge. Walk after the Q train. Has anything bad ever happened to the Q train? Pretend you are the Q train.”
“The bridge is not about to collapse. If the bridge were about to collapse all these people would be screaming and running.”
“DO NOT SCREAM AND RUN.”
“Think how good you’ll feel when you make it across the bridge. Nothing feels better than personal growth.”
“If you make it across this bridge you can go to the bookstore and buy whatever you want. You can have candy. You can have a cocktail.”
“In addition to not looking down, do not look across at the high-rise buildings and calculate which floor that is.”
“JUST LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD AND TRY TO PUT ONE FOOT AFTER THE OTHER.”