If a bank is being robbed, women can secrete a substance that simultaneously alerts police and scrambles the vault combinations.
If a cab driver refuses to go to Brooklyn, women can secrete a substance that causes his tires to deflate.
If a kitten is stuck in a tree, women can secrete a substance that forms a wide, soft net.
If you have a bad hangover, women can secrete a substance that goes to the deli and buys aspirin, Gatorade and an egg-and-cheese sandwich.
If the GPS breaks, women can secrete a substance that identifies the exit you need.
If a representative to the United States Congress is a clueless dipshit, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
Overheard: “I like to read, and dance, and sing. Also cook. I want to be a fashion designer, that’s plan A, pretty much. But also I would like to be the person who gets a woman elected president of the United States.”
Keep your eyes peeled for this one. She’s a little over four feet tall, wears glasses and beaded braids, last seen on an F train heading toward Midwood.
"This whole sort of witch-hunt mentality, this Internet witch hunt thing, I thought the Internet was going to be about buying car parts and looking at porn," he said.
Hey 1998, what up
- When someone sends around a list of potential talent and the list is all men, say “thank you, please also provide some women as options.”
- When someone complains that it’s hard to find smart, funny female talent (or writers or editors or photographers), say “look harder.” Or hand over a list.
- Carry a list of good women for when people say there aren’t any.
- When a writer submits copy in which all the examples are men, delete Ricky Gervais and replace him with Amy Poehler. Then explain why.
- When a writer submits jokes about famous women, and the setups/punchlines are limited to “woman henpecks husband” or “woman is/is not sexy,” rewrite the jokes. Then explain why.
- When other women ask you for career advice, answer them. Even if the answer is “I have no idea” or “I got lucky.”
- When people ask you what it’s like “being a woman in X industry,” tell them it’s a lot like being a person in X industry. Explain what it is like to be in X industry. Then add any details that are legitimately specific to the experience of being a woman in X industry, but only if you feel like it.
- Do the best you can. No one does the right thing every time, and the right thing is not always clear and objective. Sometimes the stupid joke with the bad setup has a really clever punchline so you let it go. Sometimes you forget to update the list. No one will die. Try to work toward progress. Try to help the people around you work toward progress. If it makes you feel good to police strangers on the internet and “smack them down” when they “trespass,” fine. That is one interpretation of working toward progress, but it’s okay if different people have different interpretations.
- If you admire a woman who is successful and/or doing good things, tell her so.
- When people talk about women in the media, they often mean people whose faces are on screens and people with bylines. We need more time on screens and we need more bylines, but it is important to remind everyone that there are other people who matter, even if you never know their names or see their faces: producers, editors, managers, directors, assistants, coordinators, lawyers. These people contribute to your favorite website/publication/show as much as the people you’d recognize on the street, sometimes even more. Exposure is not always an accurate reflection of influence.
- Do not hire men who cannot understand why you are doing any of the above. Not even for internships, because interns get jobs. There is a difference between not knowing better and being willing to learn and not accepting that there is a lot to learn.